Sandman: As a special treat this week we are turning the tables on your friendly neighborhood webcrawler. I present a round-table discussion of Know Your Foe: Spider-Man with my guests Doctor Otto Octavius, Lizard and Carnage.
Dr. Connors: Um, what’s going on, why did you guys bring me here?
Doc Ock: Come on Dr. Jekyll, we don’t want you, we want Mr. Hyde. Cletus, care to help him out?
Carnage: My pleasure!
Sandman: Let’s go over Spider-Man’s record. He first appeared in Amazing Fantasy #15 in 1962. He’s a kid that has all these special powers like climbing walls, shooting out those sticky web things, an annoying ability to sense danger and a wise-cracking smart mouth.
Doc Ock: You guys know he’s Peter Parker, right?
Sandman: Yeah, I watched the movies. I have to say I really liked the Academy Award-nominated actor they had to play me in the third one. It was like watching Shakespeare!
Doc Ock: Shakespeare?! I doubt such a simple minded person as yourself has even glanced at one of the Bard’s works. Regardless, the second movie was clearly superior!
Lizard: Hisssss, you’re both wrong! The first Amassssing film wassss the bessst!
Doc Ock: Seriously? You tried to turn everyone into lizards. That is just wrong.
Lizard: Sssays the man who married Parker’ss grandmother and dresssed as a Sssuperior Sspider-Man for a time.
Doc Ock: It was his Aunt and I didn’t dress up as him, I took over his mind! It takes a real super villain to accomplish something like that. Let’s call another super villain to see what his take on that is. I’ll call Dr Doom.
Carnage: Doomsy?? She’s hot!
Doc Ock: No, not that multiverse freak. You really are sick in the head Cletus!
Doc Ock: Uggh, he never answers his phone. He’s probably off obsessing about Mr Fantastic again.
Sandman: Let’s move on and discuss the minimate figures we’ve seen of Spider-Man. We’ve seen fifty-seven incarnations and outfits of the webcrawler since the Marvel minimate line has started.
Doc Ock: Sixty-two if you count the Peter Parker figures … and you can take away two from that total since they were technically incarnations of me.
Carnage: Wasn’t there a Minimate Max of him as well?
Doc Ock: Shut up Cletus, they never actually produced that one.
Lizard: I likesss the one where he isss all damaged and covered with filthhhhh.
Sandman: The Underground battle Spider-Man?
Lizard: No, the Riot Attack ssSpider-Man. Hahahahaha
Sandman: Hahaha, good one! He has had many changes of costumes over the years. I can’t say that any of them stand out particularly well. It’s either the same old blue and red or some alien symbiote pumping up his powers ..
Carnage: Daddy Venom?
Doc Ock: Be quiet Cletus, don’t get started with your daddy issues again!
Sandman: .. or some special suit to protect him from a certain power.
Lizard: Sssoo, no Dyson Powered Sssuit yet?? *snicker*
Doc Ock: Ha, burn!
Sandman: Very funny .. moving on .. I see no need to produce any more of these Spider-Man figures, the market is surely saturated by now.
Doc Ock: Agreed, the best course of action would be to focus on us, the villains! We need more Foes of Spider-Man!
Carnage: How about more Symbiote packs? Daddy Venom got one, a Carnage pack with She-Carnage would be ..
Doc Ock/Sandman/Lizard: SHUT UP CLETUS!
Sandman: So it’s agreed, no more Spider-Mans! Instead show your support for us villains by purchasing as many Deadly Foes of Spider-Man sets from Doc Ock’s Toy Store as you can and hopefully we’ll see more Deadly Foes sets in the future!